The day I found out I was expecting my first child something happened to me. The second I realized I was growing life inside me, my life stopped being mine. A magical switch turned on, and my existence became all about my baby.
It was an automatic love and dedication I felt for this unknown being. What I’m referring to is the mother-child bond. A bond so magical that transcends it all.
I did not want to have a child. At that time in my life, my focus was on work and success. Building Embanet, a company I co-founded, became the focal point of my existence.
But I was going to become a mother. That phrase changed my life.
The things that had once defined me no longer matter. Neither success nor wealth could come close to the gratitude I felt when I knew I was going to be a parent.
Transcending the Meaning of Life
Being a mother defines my life. Yes, I am a woman, a friend, a daughter, a lover, a business partner, but above all, I am a mother!
They say that in the womb a child can remember his mother’s heart rhythm and voice. At birth, when you place a child on his mother’s chest, he soothes himself with the beat of her heart.
Likewise, if you put the same baby on someone else’s chest, like the father, the child may still cry and feel no comfort. Take the baby back to mom’s chest and the reaction is extraordinary.
Some even believe that there is an energetic cord that ties the child to the mother. No matter what separates them, the energetic tie always unites them.
For instance, some children adopted at birth, grow up often feeling something is missing.
The magical cord formed in the womb defies the limits of time and space. And while it may be empirically difficult to prove, it is far too compelling to deny.
My children and I laugh about the same things, eat the same, and even get scared by the same things. My kids cry when I cry, and I cry when they cry. We have an energetic connection that’s evident every day of my life.
Regrettably, this magical mother-child bond was not my childhood story.
I grew up in Corinto, Nicaragua and my young parents were not ready for the hardships of having a family. My father was still attending Medical school.
As a result, my mother had no choice but to leave my side to work and support our home.
The bond and energetic tie to my mother were interrupted. The attachment a child needs with her mother was never formed in my case.
Instead, my caregiver, Maria Isabel, became, for all sense and purposes, my mother.
I formed a strong bond with my father, my grandmother who lived in our home and of course Maria Isabel.
The one attachment I needed with my magical cord did not take form. In fact, for the first 11 years of my life, I called my mother by her name and not mom.
I became a successful, driven woman who always resented my mother. I felt she did not love me as much as my brothers who came seven years after me.
I grew up close to my father, yet always rejecting the woman who gave me life. No matter what my poor mother did to get close to me, I rejected her gestures with coldness. I never felt close to my mom.
Passing the Bond From One Generation To The Next
When my girls came into this world, my mother surprised me. She became the grandma I would have always dreamed of having for my kids.
She is loving, dedicated, fun, and playful. My girls are crazy about her. I often ask myself, where was this woman when I was growing up?
Recently, I had to face the disappointment of losing my partner. To address my grief; I looked inward. I engaged the help of a therapist in California and another one in Toronto.
What I did not realize was that, inadvertently, I was going to discover the true source of my pain.
Uncovering What Lays Beneath
I do not want to deviate from my blog’s purpose. My blog is not about my ex-partner. But it is important to mention the source and catalyst of my amazing discovery.
I always had this unexplainable need to protect, provide and comfort my ex-partner.
I encouraged him to become a better person. No matter what wrong he did, I looked into his soul and found a way to forgive him.
It was as if I had become the mother and him the child. Only a mother can see her child’s flaws and still love him.
I thought, “If I became his rescuer, his everything, he would never leave me.”
In one of my sessions, I asked my therapist her insight into the questions that were haunting me:
“Why this need to protect and provide for him?”
“Why did I forgive so much?”
“Why did I want to be his hero?”
“Where is this need coming from”?
The answer changed my life:
I was told, “The one thing you want to give desperately, is the one thing you needed the most as a child.”
She explained I needed to change the negative imprints I had developed as a child. Only then, I would stop attracting people that would hurt and betray me.
My therapist’s explanation sounded like mumbo-jumbo to me, but I went along, opened my heart and mind to really listen. I started to meditate and to map my childhood imprints.
My therapist showed me how my un-met needs as a child manifested unto my ex-partner. Without realizing, I wanted to give him all I had NEEDED as a child.
This is not in any way excusing what my ex- partner did to me.
However, this was no longer about him. It was about me finding the root of why I did the things I did. I wanted to understand the reasons why I fought so hard to keep a relationship that had become toxic to my life.
Crazy right? That is what I thought too.
The puzzle finally made sense!
Right or wrong, my inner child grew up feeling unloved, unwanted and unprotected by the one I needed the most. MY MOTHER!
What I Now Know That I Wish I Knew Then…
Before you all freakout and feel sorry for me, let me be clear. I was loved very much and had a great childhood.
What I lacked was the bond and attachment with my mother.
I realize how crazy this sounds. Of course, I know my mother loves me, — She always did.
Intellectually, I understand why my mother could not be there for me. My mother sacrificed it all to make sure I had a roof over my head and food on the table.
But try to explain this to any child who desperately feels the absence of her mother. Children don’t understand those things.
The little girl in me, wrongfully internalized that I was not wanted.
I felt I was not good enough or loved enough. Those were the same wounds triggered by my emotionally unavailable ex-partner.
My childhood regression work is painful and enlightening at the same time. Now so much makes sense to the adult in me. To heal the pain triggered by my ex-partner, I had to go back to heal the pain of my inner child. It is my inner child I needed to rescue, to nurture, love, and protect.
Finally, I am giving myself the unconditional love I needed so much and in the process, I am learning to save myself.
A Tribute To My Mother And All Mothers
My mother did the best she could with what she knew. Imprints are passed down from one generation to the next, and my mother’s imprints were equal to mine.
My mother grew up with parents who were not present or affectionate.
Interestingly, my mother spent her childhood at a boarding school away from the warmth of a home. With no role models to teach my mother how to give love and affection.
It was not her fault!
It was nobody’s fault. I get it now!
Shit happens as the saying goes! It is what we do with it that elevates us as humans.
I see things more clearly now. I can now let go of the wrong perceptions and resentment towards my mother.
I am learning to forgive her for not loving me the way I needed to be loved.
I know my mother loved me in the way that she could. Likewise, I am learning to forgive myself for all the pain my lack of understanding inflicted upon her.
Now I see my mother with eyes of empathy, love, and gratitude for all that she did and does each day for my kids and I.
I appreciate things as they truly are. I can finally begin to bring down the walls that kept me from letting in the women who sacrificed so much for me.
I see this woman whose tired body is growing old with eyes of admiration. The resentment has lifted, and I have replaced it with love in my heart.
My mother worked her entire life, sometimes many jobs at once, so that I could have a chance at life.
In Canada, my father became an alcoholic, unable to care for himself or us. My mother single-handedly supported our home.
Yes, I did not have a mom to take me to the park. I did not have a mom to tuck me in at night. I did not have a mom to help me with my homework. I did not have a mom to shower me with hugs and kisses.
But I DO have a mom who loved me the way she knew best, through sacrifice.
My mother personifies dedication, selflessness, and forgiveness.
The best thing of this healing journey is that I have found parts of myself I never knew I had. In the midst of loss, I found love.
I found my missing magical cord.
I found my mother. I now know my mother loves me.
I love you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.
Special thanks to my spiritual transformation mentors:
Sabrina Heartsong www.sabrinaheartsong.com
Danielle Furlan www.daniellefurlan.com